Seriously, what the hell?

I love sexual innuendos. I'm a huge fan of "That's what she said" comments. And I couldn't be more thrilled when our newest client, Dick Crumb, signed on with the agency.

Naturally you can imagine my happiness when I took my garbage out to the trash room during my weekly Sunday cleaning and found an empty penis-enlarger pump box in the recycle bin. My first thought was, "That looked like a penis." After doing a double take and confirming my initial suspicion, my second thought was, "Interesting...the mystery dude with the little wiener is a recycler."And of course, my third thought was, "I'm so glad I still have my rubber gloves on, where's my camera?"

As I uploaded the photo, I convinced myself that the whole thing was probably a big joke by some immature kid living down the hall. After all, Dr. John's "adult store" isn't too far from the complex, perhaps some UNO student found it on the ground while walking home from the PipeLine and thought it would be hilarious to recycle the packaging...no pun intended. I mean, who would leave their penis pump face-up in the recycle bin for the world to see?

Well, my naive perspective soon changed after I found a penis-girth enlarger in the recyle but days later. This time, I did not get my camera. I did, however, get nauseous. Pretending I never saw that, I carried on with life.

A few days later, Tiny Tim struck gain. This time leaving his "beaded penis sheath" in the bin. A repeat offender, indeed. Feeling highly creeped out, especially considering the trash room is four feet from my front door, I decided to write a note to our mini mystery man in an effor to stop the madness. Using my sharpest copywriting skills, the problem deflated.

The worst part about this whole ordeal is not the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I envision the usage of these products, but rather that discovering this paraphanelia has ruined my chance at becoming friends - hell, even talking to - any male in my apartment complex. Even just a casual "Hello" from a dude checking his mail freaks me out. If a guy is holding the elevator for me? No thanks, I'll take the stairs. I can't help it, I now believe everyone is a pervert.

I can't wait to become a homeowner.